An Amazing Step Forward By Invicta!

Musings , Reviews, Stories and such
Post Reply
User avatar
conjurer
Administrator
Posts: 897
Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2012 10:00 pm

An Amazing Step Forward By Invicta!

Post by conjurer » Mon Aug 27, 2018 9:30 am

As some may know, me and Eyal Lalo, CEO of Invicta Watch Group, are pretty good buds. And when Eyal wants to announce a major breaktruth in the Big Yellow World of Horology that is Invicta, he generally calls me to break the news.

Well, hold on to your hats! Eyal called me the other day to let me know that Invicta was going to follow in the footsteps of (yet) another fairly-well-regarded brand in the watch biz, this one being Jaeger LeCoultre. I spoke on a conference call with Eyal as well as Michael Davis, the Technical Brand Manager of IWG, just a few days ago.


"Jaeger LeCoultre is a good company," sez MD, "and they make some OK watches--although in too small a configuration, if you will."

"They're top of the heap, Michael!" I said, "I mean, how can you even compare--"

"Well, yes, but, for instance, if you look at the fact that they still use sapphire crystals on some of their watches--"

"Well, all of them, actually," I said.

"--Shut up before I shank you," sez MD, who continues "Whereas at Invicta, we use only Flame Fusion in a configuration of the watch--ah, crystals. This is what makes Invicta the Most Feared Watch company out there--"

"Particularly by its customers," I said.

"The Most Feared Watch company around," sez MD. "Well, Flame Fusion and sharpened toothbrushes. If you will."

At this point Eyal broke in, apparently perturbed. "Davis, shut the $%#^ up, will you? Here's my keys. Go get my Escalade washed. Now then, Jim--"

"John," I said.

"Whatever. Here's the point..."

And so the story unfolds--or unravels, like so many of Eyal's ideas. Jaeger LeCoultre has made, for many years, a perfect marvel of timekeeping, the Atmos clock:

[CENTER]Image

The Atmos clock. A perfect marvel of timekeeping.[/CENTER]

The Atmos doesn't wind, it doesn't work on a battery--kind of like many Invicta quartz watches, which don't work on a battery either--but instead uses the very small changes in air temperature and pressure to power the movement. It does this in some cool way that I won't bother you with today, go ahead and Google it, you'll be impressed. The problem with the Atmos is A) it's difficult to work on, and after some years it may become inaccurate and B) it's ruinously expensive--so expensive, in fact, that only Warren Buffett can afford one, and he has to think long and hard before springing for that kind of jack, thank you very much.

Well, Eyal, utilizing his crack team of watchmakers, namely the Andean women who wear stupid undersize bowler hats:

[CENTER]Image

Dolores Elegante Slipshodez, watchmaker extraordinary[/CENTER]

...to make a new, Invicta-improved clock, the Atmosis! This one will be powered only by halitosis, but will be also be radio-controlled. Unlike most RC timekeepers, however, the Atmosis will only receive radio signals from China--I'll leave it to the members of this forum to insert joke here--and only on every other Friday.

Now, many people don't realize that Invicta has a long history--well back into the 1990s!--of making clocks, not including the Sea Hunter, which is pretty much a grandfather clock on the wrist. The first one made, by Grandmama Lenya, won the award for the Worst and Ugliest Clock at the SIHH:

[CENTER]Image

The Salute to Muzak; regrettably, no examples known to still exist[/CENTER]

This was followed by the Talking Clock for the Blind, designed by the Technical Brand Manager himself:

[CENTER]Image

This one was programmed using MD's voice. "Six complications and not one of them $%#^ing work"[/CENTER]

The Talking Clock for the Blind was waterproof as well; unfortunately it wasn't a hit with customers, as if would bite fingers off in the shower.

This was followed by a series of Clocks Configured to Teach Children Time:

[CENTER]Image

Eyal's son, Subaqua, proudly shows off his new clock![/CENTER]

The final clock, up until the release of the Atmosis, was the Homage to Eyal Desk Clock:

[CENTER]Image

Want to put your own picture in there? Forget about it. Eyal's picture is fused to the back of a Flame Fusion crystal![/CENTER]

Despite such a terrible track record in producing timepieces--err, I mean just clocks here--Eyal had a brainstorm after getting trapped in an elevator for five hours with MD; the Atmosis! It comes in two parts, first, that computer controller:

[CENTER]Image

This is a real pic of some computer thingie I stole off Google Images![/CENTER]

This is coupled to the clock part:

[CENTER]Image

An early production of the Atmosis, here called the Astina, which is a pretty funny name by itself[/CENTER]

The Atmosis was scheduled to premier on ShopNBC next week; however, it was pushed back by a month as it has to be hosted by Jill Sommerstein. The clock seems to run very fast when MD is in the room.
User avatar
biglove
Posts: 1176
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2014 9:15 pm

Re: An Amazing Step Forward By Invicta!

Post by biglove » Thu Aug 30, 2018 5:27 am

As fine as story as has ever been written. The elevator bit really tickled me. Made me damn near choke on my coffee!
"I believe in a God who doesn't need heavy financing." Irwin M. Fletcher, Fletch Lives, 1989
Image
User avatar
temerityb
Posts: 630
Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2012 10:00 pm

Re: An Amazing Step Forward By Invicta!

Post by temerityb » Fri Apr 09, 2021 9:41 am

Love these blasts from the past.

Since Lalo has stopped doing the Swiss-Made Tango and all the others got the bum's rush off Slop, there's nothing to make fun of any longer - the wares are just slapped-together oversized garish baubles favored by folks who, in the words of the legendary Gorilla Monsoon, "wouldn't know a wrist lock from a wristwatch." It's just costume junk jewelry, and that's fine. Each to their own.

We don't talk a lot about Invicta on the forums anymore because, now that they've been forced to kinda play by the rules a little better by the FH, they're boring as f***. I don't care how many units they claim to sell - the brand is a one-trick pony, the ultimate in planned horological obsolescence. They sell 'em, they break, they don't fix 'em, they lose a customer, they don't care - they just find another mark to fleece. The one thing that Eyal Lalo has gotten right on the money: It's a big country out there, and there are always new sheep to shear.
“Jewelry isn’t really my thing, but I’ve always got my eye on people’s watches.” – Clive Owen
User avatar
3Flushes
Posts: 136
Joined: Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:00 pm

Re: An Amazing Step Forward By Invicta!

Post by 3Flushes » Fri Apr 09, 2021 9:31 pm

Thx for the bump of this classic conj, itfc.

Ahh, the memories. IWG and similar enterprises have become the mobile phone mongers of the watch industry. The IWG and others like them have no real interest in customer retention, only in sales to new customers, recruitment, that is.

One watch or 50- the world's full of buyers of perceived value until they have the experience that opens their eyes.

Cut the price, and sell, sell, sell. There's plenty of room to do so in a product that costs $22.50 to produce in mass quantity in China, and plenty of Costcos, websites, and so forth all over the world more than happy to help dump them.

It took a small band of persistent WIS from Watchlords and this board to expose the many frauds, including IWG's lies about materials and service, false ties to Swiss-ness and to the original brand to force IWG to mark and to sell their crap for what it is.

And yet, all of the bad reviews, proof of fraud, or stories on FB etc. in the world can't stop someone with a shiny object in their eyes from spending the $50 or $75 in their pocket.

And the IWG will just keep rollin' on.
Last edited by 3Flushes on Sat Apr 10, 2021 1:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
conjurer
Administrator
Posts: 897
Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2012 10:00 pm

Re: An Amazing Step Forward By Invicta!

Post by conjurer » Fri Apr 09, 2021 11:01 pm

Thank you all. I appreciate the kind words.

Before there was WLs, there was BDWF. And, long before I could drop the fuck-bomb that I so love, I had to toe the line with the old BDWF's PG-13 ratings. The Atmos Invicter clock that ran by halitosis of Mongo is really a joke that wrote itself--you saw Mongo on the old ShopNBC, and you just kinda knew that his breath was like a sewer on a hot day in the big ciry.

I did very many of these posts at the old BDWF, always as a gag where Eyal would fly into the great PacNW in his Super-Happy-Fun plane, invite me to a BBQ joint, where he would eat baked beans with his fingers, confess to some Invicter bullshit scam, usually consign Michael Davis to the men's room to eat urinal cakes, and then we would finish with some endangered species, ground up into pate, and spread on a small Swiss roll.

Ah, the memories.
Post Reply