Perpetual Jokes

A place for everything else, such as automotive, entertainment, humor etc. Just leave out politics and religion.
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svaglic
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Perpetual Jokes

Post by svaglic » Sun Aug 03, 2014 10:20 pm

How do you get a room full of little, sweet, 90 year old women to say; Fuck!


Get one little, sweet, 90 year old woman to say Bingo!
It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.
Mortuus Fakeuus

Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by Mortuus Fakeuus » Mon Aug 04, 2014 1:45 am

What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?



Someone who lays awake all night and wonders if there really is a Dog...
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biglove
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by biglove » Mon Aug 04, 2014 5:56 am

An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, "I've got to tell you this. I'm 80 years old and for the sixty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife."

"Then these four, sweet, hot college cheerleaders moved in next door and since then.....wow! I didn't even know group sex existed before then. Now, it's sex every night with the whole group of them!"

"How long has it been since your last Confession?" asks the priest.

"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"Hell, I'm telling everyone who'll listen!"
"Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that's why life is hard."-Jeremy Goldberg
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Mortuus Fakeuus

Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by Mortuus Fakeuus » Mon Aug 04, 2014 11:49 am

Ba-Doom-BOOM-Chish!!

"He's here all week, try the veal!"

A guy goes into the bank, wearing a rubber mask. He approaches the nearest teller and tells her that it's a robbery; he then tells everyone else in the bank to get down on the floor. As the teller is filling up the bag, his mask falls off. She glances up at him, then returns to filling the bag with cash as the robber puts his mask back on.

"Did you see me?" the robber asks a few seconds later.

"Yes, I did," she admits.

The robber shoots her dead, grabs the bag and turns to leave when he spots a little old Jewish man, laying on the floor next to his wife.

"Did you see me?" he asks the man.

"No, but my wife did," he says...
8)
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svaglic
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by svaglic » Tue Aug 05, 2014 8:07 pm

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?



You can hang a picture of Jesus with 1 nail.
It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.
Mortuus Fakeuus

Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by Mortuus Fakeuus » Tue Aug 05, 2014 8:49 pm

OUCH! OY-VEY! No lightning bolts, eh? :evil: OY! Is he goin' to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks? :twisted: OY-VEY! :shock:
As a half-Jew, I can tell these yokes, but only half as many as I actually know:

How can you tell when a Jewish girl has had an orgasm?


















Wait for it...



















She drops her nail file...



What do you call a Jewish girl on a water bed?





The Dead Sea...






How do you keep a Jewish girl from having sex?







Marry her...



What is an example of a "Jewish Dilemma"?





FREE HAM.

I'm here all week, try the chopped livuh... ;)
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svaglic
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by svaglic » Tue Aug 05, 2014 8:57 pm

What do you call a dog with no legs?




What ever you want, he still won't come to you.
It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.
Mortuus Fakeuus

Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by Mortuus Fakeuus » Tue Aug 05, 2014 11:05 pm

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?






Bob...
Mortuus Fakeuus

Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by Mortuus Fakeuus » Wed Aug 06, 2014 2:14 pm

Same guy, laying in front of a door...?




Matt..

Same guy, hanging on the wall...?






Art...


Same guy, in a pile of leaves...






Russel... (think about it, you'll get it... :D )


Two guys, no arms or legs, one hung on either side of a window...?













Curt 'n Rod... :shock: :x :lol: :D :!: :!: :!:
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biglove
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by biglove » Thu Aug 07, 2014 9:55 am

Being married did it to me! Is ok because I am back on the wagon and aiming for 210#s.


Two fat guys in a bar, one says to the other, "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat pig!"



Also, I fell over in the sand and rocked myself to sleep trying to get up. I was eventually awakened by a lifeguard who asked me to move back because the tide was waiting to come in.



The doctor told the lady, "Push Ma'am, Push! We can see the head now!" They really should make MRI machines bigger for fat folks!
"Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that's why life is hard."-Jeremy Goldberg
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svaglic
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by svaglic » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:04 am

Mikey Mouse was divorcing Minnie. They were in court and the judge was reviewing the paperwork. The judge said; Mikey, stand up.
Mikey stood up and the judge looked at him over his bifocals; you can't divorce Minnie because she is silly.
Mikey said, in an irritated voice, I didn't say she was silly your honor. I said she is fucking Goofy.
It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.
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biglove
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by biglove » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:46 am

svoglic wrote:Mikey Mouse was divorcing Minnie. They were in court and the judge was reviewing the paperwork. The judge said; Mikey, stand up.
Mikey stood up and the judge looked at him over his bifocals; you can't divorce Minnie because she is silly.
Mikey said, in an irritated voice, I didn't say she was silly your honor. I said she is fucking Goofy.


Now, that one made me smile!
"Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that's why life is hard."-Jeremy Goldberg
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Mortuus Fakeuus

Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by Mortuus Fakeuus » Sat Aug 09, 2014 10:42 pm

These three missionaries go to Africa to preach the Word. It's not long before they are captured by a tribe of natives and brought before the chief.

The chief tells them, "You have trespassed upon our lands, a crime punishable by death or by pango-pango. Which do you choose?" asks the chief, now pointing at the first of the three.

"What is pango-pango?" asks the first missionary.

"You will find out what it is only if you choose it," the chief answers. "Which do you choose?'

"Well," the missionary says, death is death, but it sounds like 'pango-pango' allows you to live, and where there's life, there's hope. I'll go with 'pango-pango'," he tells the chief.

Suddenly, the chief stands and points high into the sky, yelling, "Let there be PANGO-PANGO!"

Drums begin to beat and other natives blow through large conch shells, and soon a huge crowd of men -- perhaps as many as 100,000 -- arrive at the camp, hooting and yelling in anticipation. The chief points at the first missionary, and he is seized by the crowd and gang-raped by each of them, one-after-another, until the last man comes and goes (no pun intended).

The first missionary left laying in the sand, staring off into nothing and catatonic. The chief makes a waving motion with one hand, and the missionary is dumped into a thick clump of nettle bushes, to live or die as the gods see fit. The chief then points to the second missionary, saying,

"Which do you choose, death or pango-pango?"

The missionary thinks for a moment; I know I'm physically stronger than poor Clyde was, and I'm pretty sure I'm a lot tougher mentally, so... "I'll take pango-pango," he says.

The chief again points to the sky, again yelling, "Let there be PANGO-PANGO!"

Just as before, 100,000 men show up, and just as before, the missionary is left in a catatonic state and thrown into the clump of sticky nettles.

The chief looks at the third missionary, pointing a finger at him. "Which shall it be for you?" he asks. "Death or pango-pango?"

This third missionary is a lot tougher than his companions had ever dreamed of being, having grown up in the streets of Chicago, where he'd been a cop until he felt the calling to become a missionary. Still, though, there was no way on God's green earth he was going to let these degenerate savages corn-hole him until he was a veggy. Uh-uh, no way. He looks up at the chief and declares, "I choose death!" in a loud, clear voice.

The chief jumps to his feet, points at the sky, and yells, "Let there be DEATH!" he roars into the heavens. He then looks down at the third missionary and yells,






























"Method of execution, PANGO-PANGO!" :shock:
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biglove
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by biglove » Sun Aug 10, 2014 9:24 am

Some Southern jokes, the poor bastards I live around...

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody’s fixin’ to lose a trailer.
******

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubbathat she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?”asked the operator. Bubba replied, “At the end
of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?” After a long pause, Bubba said, “How ‘bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”
******

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
******



And then some Cajun jokes (Cajuns and Southerners aren't the same, damnit!)...


Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
*****

Boudreaux was sitting in the City Bar in Maurice, Louisiana, one Saturday night, and had several beers under his belt. After a while, he looked at the guy sitting next to him, and asked him, “Hey, you wanna hear a good Aggie joke, you?”

The big guy replied, “Let me tell you something. I’m an oil field roughneck, I weigh 270 pounds, and I don’t like Cajuns. My buddy here is a pro football player, weighs 300 pounds, and he doesn’t like Cajuns either. His friend on his other side is a professional wrestler, weighs 320 pounds, always has a chip on his shoulder, and he likes Cajuns even less than we do, and we are all Aggies. Do you really want to tell us an Aggie joke ?”

Boudreaux, all 150 pounds of Cajun attitude, told him, “Mais, I guess not. After all I don’t want have to explain it three times !
*****

Boudreaux, in his usual highly inebriated state, accidentally stumbled into the church building Saturday afternoon, trips his way into the confessional and sits down. The Priest, there of course to hear confession hears nothing so he coughs to let Boudreaux know that he is ready to listen to him, but still hears nothing. He then knocks on the wall separating them, and Boudreaux tells him, “Sorry but dey ain’t no paper in dis one neither!”
"Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that's why life is hard."-Jeremy Goldberg
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Mortuus Fakeuus

Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by Mortuus Fakeuus » Sun Aug 10, 2014 5:41 pm

Mon, mon, mais Boudreaux vit une vie intéressante, vous ne pensez pas?
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biglove
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by biglove » Sun Aug 10, 2014 10:50 pm

Mortuus wrote:Mon, mon, mais Boudreaux vit une vie intéressante, vous ne pensez pas?



Boudreaux, c'est les seins, toujours!
"Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that's why life is hard."-Jeremy Goldberg
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svaglic
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by svaglic » Tue Nov 03, 2015 10:35 am

What's redneck forplay?......

Git in the truck bitch.
It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.
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svaglic
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Re: Perpetual Jokes

Post by svaglic » Wed Jul 18, 2018 5:46 am

Mort, is there any truth to this?

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It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.
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